Let's check in!

NO I didn't forget why I started this blog. Quit playin'. Let's check in. Hey! Whats up? Hello! How are you? How's work? How's your relationship? Are you happy? 

Me? Well. 

I'm ok. Work is going really well, probably the least of my worries for once. I seriously have THE BEST boss I've ever had. I also have a marketing coordinator that I sit with all day long and I couldn't ask for a better co worker. I look forward to going to work in the morning so I can laugh all day long!

 My relationship is the best it's ever been, I'll tell you why shortly. Am I happy? Kind of? I'm getting there!

Is my depression still severe? No. I remember in the fall I was walking around like a zombie. I compare and contrast what I was doing and I how I was doing it compared to now. I remember zoning out a lot at home. Jake would talk to me and it was like he was talking to a wall. I remember just nodding my head and saying "yeah" a lot. Not ok. I would get out of bed in the middle of the night to sob for no reason at all. I would go a few days without showering... I hate admitting that. I have very good hygiene and me not showering is a big deal. I would come home from work and go to bed or take a 3 hour nap because thats all I had the energy to do. I put on weight because food was relief. I remember being so stressed about what I was eating and then just all of a sudden not care because I had a shitty day. I'm a picky eater as it is so trying to eat healthy is generally a struggle. 

This behavior carried into the winter, as my depression worsens in the winter. I think this is standard for anyone struggling with depression in a cold state. 

After I launched the big girl blog, I feel like things have really shifted. I have a much higher standard for myself. My work ethic has done a 180. I started prioritizing and paying off my debts. I made a conscious effort to not nap after work to get my sleep schedule back on track. I practice intuitive eating so my weight stops yo-yoing. These are all very small victories here. I do still cry into the night for no reason at all and a lot of days I do wish I was sleeping instead of interacting with people. 
I think that is currently what I am struggling with the most. I don't want much human interaction because I've noticed its getting harder and harder for me to be that bubbly person I once was with everyone. I am not sure if this is a change in personality as I age or if this is something that will return when I can consider my depression my past. I told a friend I enjoy my own company more than anyone else's. It's nothing personal, but a strong preference. I would much rather spend most of my free time alone. I usually regret making plans because my alone time is much more productive or just simply more relaxing. I like to come home on Friday nights and spend that time unwinding from the week of work where I interact with people literally all day long.

An insecurity that I have recently overcome is in my relationship. I have been cheated on in almost every relationship I've ever been in, so my insecurities when it comes to men are hard to beat. It has almost made me possessive and that isn't something I ever want as a characteristic. Jake has been very, and almost too understanding of the things I've been though in previous relationships. He has never once disrespected me, even when fighting. I think the meanest thing he's ever said to me is "shut up". However, ever since Jake got a new job with new people and a new schedule, my insecurities went through the roof because I've been there and it didn't end well. I had started coming up with these scanarios in my head that he was going to meet someone at work and start lying to me and yadda-yadda. And yes, that did happen to me, actually. Jake and I have talked about it a few times and it's hard to believe when I've heard the story from 3 other dudes. What changed my mindset this entire thing was when one day while arguing about his upcoming schedule he said to me is "I am not doing any of this to hurt you". That one sentence really did me in and really calmed me nerves and assumptions. To further erase this insecurity from my heart, while we were talking about previous partners and relationships and he mentioned that he has turned down more women then he's actually been with. For some reason, that small thing REALLY did me in. It was like... the insecurity had been erased from my memory and was never there. Jake respects women. It's that simple. He has proved that early and often and not with just me. I think that speaks VOLUMES about his character. With this, I have learned that communication is everything. I've been much happier knowing that I have past this insecurity. 

This blog has really helped me be honest with myself. Sharing my story has made me work so much harder for my own happiness and recovery. This blog gives me a purpose and a reason to keep pushing through the chilling. Aside from all of the fun beauty posts and lifestyle thing, this blog is still about how I'm taking care of myself when it's truly a day to day struggle. These check ins help me realize where I've been and where I'm going. 

Take your Tuesday and do well with it. 
Today, I am grateful.

xo, Sammy.